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fashion, life, love...and cupcakes.

Another day, another kilo...

Okay, so I'm six months post partum and I'm possibly at te heaviest I've ever been (58kg) and every so SUPER depressed..

On the upside, I have the most amazingest baby girl ever and I'm so blessed and honoured that somebody up there saw fit to send her into my life and make me her guardian for as long as I am able.

On the other hand...I'm having a very hard time with it.

For a long time I thought I might be depressed. And I think I am. not post partum because I don't have harming or suicidal thoughts or any disconnect with my child or thoughts of harming her (THANK GOD!) but I know I am unhappy because I feel very out of control about the general situation in my life.

What do I feel unhappy about?

1) I'm unemployed and have no income of my own - I feel very dependent on my boyfriend and I hate that feeling.
Solution? Get a part time job

2) I am SUPER fat and don't fit in my clothes and feel ashamed of my body.
Solution? Diet and exercise with moderation and dedication

3) I feel like a failure because my company had to be shelved for the near future.
Solution? Work out a way to get it back up and running or forget about it forever. Limbo is no one's friend.

4) I feel like I drink too much and it's making me fat, depressed, lazy and everything I never was.

Like...I know what the problems are.
I know what the solutions are.
I guess I just needed to be able to say those things to myself and have an honest conversation with myself out loud (ish) about my issues and what they are and see that for every percieved problem, there is an obvious solution - I just have to want it enough.

Like, I know I fucked up my post partum wieght loss because I started drinking like three months PP, and hitting it pretty hard because she was on a schedule and my cousin was over form the summer (a serious elbow bender, that one) and fuck it, it was the summer and who acres I'd JUST had a baby. But on the flip side, I had lost 7kg right after birth and only had five to go. I'm now up four and have ten to lose.

Yeah, I know, I'm an asshole.

Add to the fact that it was too fucking hot to take the baby out this summer, couldn't really take her out in the fall cause she hadn't had her shots and now that she has it's ASS cold and so walking isn't always a good idea and I feel like I can't win. Like, am I destined to stay FAT?! God, I hope not. But I've started to modify my diet (need to work on portion control MAJORLY), and eleminate the following:

Carbs (pasta, rice, and all gluten based products because I fell into the yeast trap SO hard when I was pregnant)
Alcohol (because empty calories and white wine is basically my pringles can - once I pop, I just can't stop)
Refined sugars - hate them but again, fell into the trap when I got pregnant and had to give up smoking. Especially juice. Drink of the devil...
Processed foods - no more. Organic, home prepared vegetables and fish for me. 

Because it's majorly fucking with my self esteem and it's not cool. SEriously, I feel like such a failure on so many levels and maybe that's why I was drinking so much because out of the shitpile my life had slid into, I grew this beautiful bloom and I just didn't feel I could handle it. I have a MUCH better grasp on it now, but MAN was it hard the first few months.


I've been working on my glow up for the past week-ish and I'm back on the grind tomorrow, and hopefully will do better this time around.

Peace, love and eblow grease, kids.

B Money.

Always a bridesmaid...

SO I'm not sure if you remember but a little hile back, I had the genius idea to start my own collection and to make the big move into designing things for myself.
Well, it was a fucking disaster and I'm having to shut everything down and pretty much declare bankruptcy. Which is fun and really fucks up my credit rating. Which is also hilarious because my credit rating was insanely bad anyway. 

SO that's what's new. 

I'm also in the process of reflecting on what happened, what went wrong, how to make sure it doesn't go wrong again and basically...what the fuck do I want to do with my life. 

I'm also at this exact moment having a deja vous...so it's a trippy day all around. 

For whatever reason, I'm not even upset by this shit anymore. It's been sliding downhill since I started it, and with all the goodwill and energy and collaborative effort I put into it...it failed. I could have and should have been smarter, been in control of every little thing and micro managed it to the hilt. Then I know at least that if it failed it was because I had done every single last thing I possibly could and that it wasn't mean to be. And that would be it.

The way things are now, I've delegated to the wrong people, trusted the wrong people, made the wrong investments and not micro-managed as much as I should have because I was concerning myself with other things and generally being a lazy mess with anxiety issues who refused to see the forest for the trees. Most of all, I refused to trust myself and my vision and my mission. And the results? Hot shitty mess.


Because I'm an asshole who obviously needs to have her ass kicked by the universe, I'm stopping, dropping and rolling. And then I'm going to get up and try this again. But first, I'm going to have a baby and think about what the hell I'm doing with my life and what I want to do. 

Ideally, I want to have my own design company that I can run from home and work on whilst looking after my child, and then start growing it seriously when said child is old enough to go to school and such.

So...on to lawyers calls and such.


Belle xoxo




So I should have listened to my doctor and not have given in to every craving imaginable in the last bit of my first trimester because I packed on 16lbs. So now I'm making myself this deal - 

1) 1 hours excercise every day. Walk, swim, yoga, pilates, whatever.
2) No more processed carbs, just fruit and vegetables and smoothies
3) No more red meat (well, I've given that one up already so...)
4) Fish and NO eggs.
5) No more refined sugar.

Let's just say that the appearance of my first stretchmark has shocked me into action. And I'm under instruction to gain no more weight for the next month, just let Baby B absorb from my body what it needs.

So that's what I'm going to do. 

Oy. Vey.

Belle xoxo

New year, new you. New me? We'll see...

Okay folks, I have been checked out of this for a little while now - resolved to fight my battles less externally and more internally. Given the amount of heartburn and isolation I'm going through though, I feel that MAYBE, that wasn't such a good idea.

Anywho, in honour of the annus horribilis that was 2014, and the fact that we are now squarely in 2015 (albeit still the first 24 hours of it), ladies and gentlemen, I give you my 2015 new years resolutions:

1) Bring a happy, healthy, sane and safe child into the world and do my best for it every day.

2) Build myself a little bit more. I've always been on this mission of self-improvement (I was able to grow a conscience, people - this is not a small feat) and I'm determined to not let myself slack. So...stop complaining and start being grateful for my life, my health, my family, my friends, who I am and the many talents I've been given. Stop comparing myself to others because everyone's journey is different. Spend less time on the internet faffing about uselessly with things that will not enrich, stimulate or motivate me. Stop going over the past because it is hindering me from moving on to a bigger, brighter future. Stop blaming myself for things in the past or things in the present I cannot control. Forgie myself. 

3) Work out 30 minutes every day. So far the belly has been killing my energy reserves, but as of this day - no excuses. The healthier I am (God bless you, second trimester) the healthier my little bean will be when he/she is born.

4) Work on getting my existing business off the ground and making it a success. 

5) Launch my other two ideas and work on them like my life depended on it.

6) See the ocean with my mother and sister.

7) Cook more. I've been cooking a lot since I put myself on maternity leave, and loving it. And I just want to keep going. 

8) Communicate better. I've been shite with communicating, seeing people, going to events and things all of last year. This year I will be better. 

9) Travel.

10) finish decorating my new home and make it a killer pad for my dope new family.

I hope you all had a safe, happy New Year's eve and aren't too hungover.

Peace, love and cupcakes,

Belle xoxo

Life quiz...

1. How much have you loved? A lot more than I think I have but a lot less than I would like to have.

2. What do you love doing that you aren't doing? Drawing, designing creating and getting paid for it. I do most of the time, but not as well as I could or should.

3. What person or type of person would you choose as a life companion? Someone who is fun, driven, motivated, positive, strong, fearless (because I get into MANY shenanigans) and good.

4. Where do you want to live? In a European country that functions. No offense Italy, but the end is nigh, for realz.

5. What do you want to accomplish? I want to be agreat designer of women'swear, the kind that is maybe not so much appreciated in their lifetime as a genius right away, but the kind generations can read about and visit exhibits on in museums in the future. You said dream big, yo. And I want to be a good mother. And have a house by the sea - not a mansion, even a beach shack will do. Thazzit.

6. What do you want to be remembered by? 

I want to be rembered as a great mother, awesome friend, great designer and creative force. That's it.

7. What kind of life would make you jealous? Jealous...I don't know so much jealous as 'man, I really need to get my ass in gear'. Basically young designers like Nicholas Ghesquire and Olivier Rousteing who at a very early age were tapped to lead great couture houses. Not in so much as fame, hanging with famous people and having your ass kissed by the fashion world as being able to wander all the lovely archives and see the AMAZEballs history of the houses and couture construction...and the lovely $$'s they make to be able to travel the world and see dope things.

8. What 5 adventures do you want to have? Five adventures I want to have - 1) be a mother. 2) Go to Bali and Indonesia and spend time just wandering, chilling and meditating. 3) go to Japan, but not Tokyo or a big city, the countryside and the temples and holy places. 4) Learn to fly a plane - that would be some pretty dope shit. 5) Be happy every day and remember that I am experiencing an adevnture every day, whether I conscious of it or not.

9. If you had to add something to humanity, what would your contribution be? My kindness and compassion for every other soul walking the planet.

10. What are your ghosts? Fear of failure, ability to hold a grudge, 

11. What are your 5 favorite memories? The first time I saw my sister. Dancing with my dad, my feet on his feet because I was small and uncoordinated. Listening to music with friends in middle school. The first time I realized that I was slightly different from other people. My standing ovation at my college graduation and the look of pride on my mama's face.

12. Who do you love the most? What 10 people would you put on a lifeboat in case of a universal tsunami, asteroid or any other realistic end-of-the-world event? 1) My baby. 2) My sister. 3)
 My mum. 4/5/6/7) My best friends, Sabrina, Enrico, Alessandra, Alessia. 8) Baby Daddy (kinda hafta). 9) My high school art history teacher, Mr. Bowden. 10) My granny.

13. What worries you the most? That my company will fail and that my child will be born with some kind of deformity or handicap.

14. What type of people inspire you and make you come alive? Happy people, inspired people, curious people, intelligent people, carefree and happy-go-lucky people and people always up for a crazy adventure and stories to tell.  

15. What type of people bring you down and make you hate yourself? Negative, defeatist, mean people. You must not invest your love in people who don't want it and who use it to deplete you. 
Love is the most elevated, beautiful transaction between two creatures. But it's still a transaction. You are responsible for your heart's investments.

16. Who are your mentors? My mother, Mr Bowden, myself, Barbara T and Rob V.

17. What is your cosmic elevator pitch? Slightly wild, creative person with big heart and lots of love to give seeks a constellation to go to the end of the universe with. 

18. What issues can you help with? Killing animals by becoming a dedicated vegan and being a force of good and positivity in a world that isn't always conscious of it's light and positive power.

19. How can you express yourself creatively? By doing what I have always done.

20. How do you manage your time? I work on a 30min schedule. Divide my time into blocks of 30mins, make lists, accomplish tasks, feel better about my day. Simple.

21. If you were to lead the world today, what is your manifesto? Be kind. Do no Harm. Help the person next to you. Only speak kind words. THINK. Read. Dance and make dope music. Remeber that everyone has an opinion, experience and is going through their own battle and journey - respect and accept that.

22. What makes you come alive? Creating. Drawing, cutting, sewing, Pinning, whatever and wherever I can be creative and express myself.

23. What are your most painful memories? My paret s divorce and mean things I've said to people, especially my sister when she was a child (no Santa kinda scarred her for life and I feel terible about it).

 Why do you eat the way you eat and the things you eat? Healthful food mostly fruits, vegetables, fish and soy products.

25. What ignites your brain? Images and sounds. I am a seriously overstimulated human being. 

26. What physical exercise makes you sweat like you mean it and enjoy both the process and the feeling afterward? Sex and Pilates.

27. What does your body need in order to function at its best? Sleep, good nutrition and physical activity.

28. What feeds your spirit? Love, meditation, happy thoughts and chill time.

29. What are you proud of so far? I speak 5 languages, have 4 degrees, my own company, well travelled, cultured, a good person and am about to become a mother. Pretty damn good, if I say so myself.


Love, B xoxo</strong>

Pregnant pause...

So...so far, the only downside to this entire situation is being insanely tired ALLLLLLLLLL the goodamn time.

And craving chocolate croissants.

Yes, yes, y'all...I'm with child, up the duff, knocked up, expecting...PREGNANT!

I'm sooooo excited and stoked and happy, and scared witless. And my breasts have grown exponentally in the past three weeks. I went up a whole cup size. In a week. Jesus.

And I have gas. I mean, I could power a small car with all the movements in my bowels right now.

It won't turn into all baby talk, and more details will be revealed. And now, I'm going back to sleep. at 10.30am. On a sunday.


Belle xoxo

Joyful, joyful...

[greyt-fuh l] 

warmly or deeply appreciative of kindness orbenefits received; thankful:</p>
I am grateful to you for your help.
expressing or actuated by gratitude:</p>
a grateful letter.
pleasing to the mind or senses; agreeable orwelcome; refreshing:
                                                                                      a grateful breeze.</p>

There's a blog I read every now and then, called the Daybook (do you know it? If you don't please start reading it, it will cheer you right the fuck up). It's written by a young woman named Sidney, about her family, fashion, life and career.

She has the best sense of humor and she is always positive, even when she should be tearing her hair out and screeching like a banshee. and she is ALWAYS, ALWAYS, soooo grateful for what she has - from strawberry picking with her son to when it rains and she's couped up inside with a screaming toddler. She builds and fort to distract him and gets over it. With a smile - and then she bakes a cake to celebrate.

I'm a complainer. I didn't used to be...I don't think. But I am now. I'm a whiner. I'm a negative nancy. I'm hard on myself and on other sometimes rightly but mostly unjustly. So I've decided to stop. Stop whining, stop complaining, stop the negatvity and be grateful for something, one little thing, every day and write it down.

Today, I am grateful for my health, and the people who love me.

Peace,love and cupcakes,

<p>Belle xoxo

First of her name...

I've been gone for a few months, and no doubt some of you have been wondering which of Europe's serial killers had picked me off. 

SURPRISE, muthatruckas, I'm still here!

It's been a ridiculous few months and a WILD, WILD ride. The collection has been launched, and is ready to go - been picked up by a few stores and so that makes me insanely happy, but Christ alove, giving birth to this project damn near killed me. I found myself saddled with debt, in a depression so heavy it would have broken Atlas' back, and in a new city with no friends, a job I've only recently begun to like and so alone.

Loneliness is kind of like a ninja that drops down on you from a sky-scraper, lays your ass on the pavement and then drop kicks you in the nuts whilst wearing a pair of high heels.


Loneliness and depression reared their ugly heads this summer and ate into me. They devoured me alive, chewed me up and then mricaulously like Peter inside the whale - I made my way out.

I've got a job - I don't love it because it's not my passion, but it's not the worst possible thing that ever happened to me. I've gotta get my act together and start focusing on making my dreams come true and I've really started doing that.

On the personal side of things - I patched things up with King, and we;ve made super great in roads into mending our tattered relationship. Romantically, I don't know what's going on because we decided not to talk about it too much and just see if those feelings come back. As friends, though, I couldn't be happier to have him back in my life. It's such a relief and a joy and a pleasure.

And because I don't know how to keep it in my pants, I've met someone. I'm going to call him Snoopy.

Snoopy is something else. Not like fireworks, not like with my psychotic ex. It's slow burn, but fast burn. But he makes me happy, and feel safe and cared for. We're also both survivors of abusive relationships, which is rare and insane. But there you go.

And I'm in a CRAZY hormone induced phase of wanting to have a baby...so this is going to be a mess.

But, as my grandmother says, I'm the cat with nine lives and for whatever reason, God is looking out for me and I'm trying not to abuse that.

Peace and elbow grease,

Belle xoxo

Private eyes, are watching you...

So I read this list of 10 things that will help you live through your 30's better.

One of them was not putting up with other people's bullshit. 

I've gotten better at it, and I try super hard to not let my spine curve. BUT every now and then it really curves. Like, I have this amazing friend who is helping me out insanely. But hanging out with her feels like a chore. Mostly because we have zero in common personality-wise. She's super negative, super depressing and super desperate and it drives me nuts.

Her whole life consists of finding a guy to marry, cyber stalking her ex, bitching and moaning and going to events that make her seem cool and intellectual (during which she manages to spend an INORDINATE amount of time texting). She could be so much happier if she just chilled out and stopped yearning and trying so desperately.

And I'm not so down with her snobbery. I mean, she's a great gal in SO many aspects, but the way she sneers (literally) and judges (vocally) others rubs my ass the wrong goddamn way.

So I'm currently holed up somewhere else and I'm sleeping much easier and much more restfully.

I think the main thing is that whenever I'm out with her we never stick to the plan and it drags on FOREVER. Like, I might have other shit to do today, but NOPE! we have to wander aimlessly around these faux cultural b.s events like thirsty sheep and all I want to do is have a glass of pinot grigio and eat ramen and watch Grey's Anatomy in my pj's. Not because I'm not interested in the event/show/whatever, but because the people that go to those things are just as thirsty as she is and I can't.

So in the spirit of not taking shit and not being around energy and oxygen theives, I'm hanging less with her and more with people who have the same personality traits that I have and who could give a hot shit about appearances, society's expectations and the general classist looks-based Italian social structure.

We're bad-ass designers, creatives, engineers, chefs, painters, writers by day and whoever the fuck we want to be by night. Our lives are ours.
And I plan to live my life that way.

I don;t ever want to be famous, or well-known or interviewed or even in the public eye. 

I hate it. It goes against everything that I am and I fully plan to live my life for me. I want to be able to get rolicking drunk if I want, have a one night stand if I want, get married and divorced if I want, go on vacation if I want, buy, do say, eat, drink, love, fuck who and what I want and not have to explain myself to everyone.


I hate normalized society, it makes me want to scream. The 'appearance of propriety' is some serious ass bullshit, and kills more people that stupidity. And stupidity is long-term serial killer.

I'm all about manners, and behaving like a decent human being (give up your seat on the bus for pregnant ladies and old people, help people carry their baby buggies up and down the stairs at train stations, help old ladies carry their groceries and cross the street, make a stranger's baby smile) but having to adapt myself to what 'society' or others think is some grade A bullshit and I am having none.

So if we don't mesh - we won't hang out. ever. No hard feelings, no cruel words, just...you won't ever see me. Like, ever.

Easier said than done, but I'm throwing my back into it.


Belle xoxo

General (tso's) malaise...

I'm in Italy, I'm launching my collection and I'm working my ass off.

At the same time, I'm stuck between two guys, neither of whom has any intention of getting serious about anything. "Let's see where things go?"...Erm, motherfucker I live on a different continent. Things are going nowhere. Fast.

The one guy is a workaholic who barely has time for a life he's so involved in his own goings on and his extracurricllar activities and taking his time because his ex girlfriend did the dirty on him...it's exhausting. So fuck 'im. He and I are going to be just friends. and that's actually better because we are great friends already.

The other guy is King (yes, of the near missed nuptials) and understandably he is gun shy and I'm not entirely sure this is a great idea, but fuck it. We'll roll with it for now.


I want to have a child sometime before the sun sets on my seriously compromised island of fertility and the time it takes to meet someone, get to know them, 'fall in love' and all of that bullshit preamble means I should be somewhere around the age of 35 by the time we ever get a spermatozoid near my follicular region.

So what I've decided for now is this - FUCK IT.

I'm going to sleep with whoever I want (because I can and I don't want to wake up at the grand old age of menopause and regret not having banged Raoul from the beach in Rio) and not search for committment because at this stage in my life I should really focus on getting my career together, launching my brand and making some money.

In the mean time, seeing as I have a pretty high sex drive, I'm going to have sex. Hopefully with a few people. And hopefully soon.

Because fuck it. Life is too short.


Belle xoxo