Okay, so I'm six months post partum and I'm possibly at te heaviest I've ever been (58kg) and every so SUPER depressed..
On the upside, I have the most amazingest baby girl ever and I'm so blessed and honoured that somebody up there saw fit to send her into my life and make me her guardian for as long as I am able.
On the other hand...I'm having a very hard time with it.
For a long time I thought I might be depressed. And I think I am. not post partum because I don't have harming or suicidal thoughts or any disconnect with my child or thoughts of harming her (THANK GOD!) but I know I am unhappy because I feel very out of control about the general situation in my life.
What do I feel unhappy about?
1) I'm unemployed and have no income of my own - I feel very dependent on my boyfriend and I hate that feeling.
Solution? Get a part time job
2) I am SUPER fat and don't fit in my clothes and feel ashamed of my body.
Solution? Diet and exercise with moderation and dedication
3) I feel like a failure because my company had to be shelved for the near future.
Solution? Work out a way to get it back up and running or forget about it forever. Limbo is no one's friend.
4) I feel like I drink too much and it's making me fat, depressed, lazy and everything I never was.
Solution? STOP. FUCKING. DRINKING.
Like...I know what the problems are.
I know what the solutions are.
I guess I just needed to be able to say those things to myself and have an honest conversation with myself out loud (ish) about my issues and what they are and see that for every percieved problem, there is an obvious solution - I just have to want it enough.
Like, I know I fucked up my post partum wieght loss because I started drinking like three months PP, and hitting it pretty hard because she was on a schedule and my cousin was over form the summer (a serious elbow bender, that one) and fuck it, it was the summer and who acres I'd JUST had a baby. But on the flip side, I had lost 7kg right after birth and only had five to go. I'm now up four and have ten to lose.
Yeah, I know, I'm an asshole.
Add to the fact that it was too fucking hot to take the baby out this summer, couldn't really take her out in the fall cause she hadn't had her shots and now that she has it's ASS cold and so walking isn't always a good idea and I feel like I can't win. Like, am I destined to stay FAT?! God, I hope not. But I've started to modify my diet (need to work on portion control MAJORLY), and eleminate the following:
Carbs (pasta, rice, and all gluten based products because I fell into the yeast trap SO hard when I was pregnant)
Alcohol (because empty calories and white wine is basically my pringles can - once I pop, I just can't stop)
Refined sugars - hate them but again, fell into the trap when I got pregnant and had to give up smoking. Especially juice. Drink of the devil...
Processed foods - no more. Organic, home prepared vegetables and fish for me.
Because it's majorly fucking with my self esteem and it's not cool. SEriously, I feel like such a failure on so many levels and maybe that's why I was drinking so much because out of the shitpile my life had slid into, I grew this beautiful bloom and I just didn't feel I could handle it. I have a MUCH better grasp on it now, but MAN was it hard the first few months.
I've been working on my glow up for the past week-ish and I'm back on the grind tomorrow, and hopefully will do better this time around.
Peace, love and eblow grease, kids.