Big fight last night. It could have ended everything. EVERYTHING.

He feels that I cut him out, and I suppose I do, but it's a defense mechanism, I suppose.

Why would one defend themselves from their own love? Well, I'm working on that. It's my problem, I've always had it. I keep those I love most at arms' length and I hate that about myself and I am at a loss as to why and even worse, how to get over that.

I should probably talk to someone about this because perhpas it will keep my relationships from imploding on me all the time.

But we talked.

It broke my heart because he was close to tears, to breaking point and he was angry and hurt and I was so ashamed because I did that to him, I caused him that pain. Me. No one else. Me. Out of ego, or fear of being hurt myself, or whatever BS it was.

I hurt the person I love most in the world.

And I will have to live with that for a very long time. Because you can't make ammends, you have to let time heal their wound, and the bitch of it is that you have to live with that person every day - see their eyes with the shadows, see their face tense up at random moments - and that is the punishment.

That's what they should do to serial killlers, rapists...it's worse than jail.

Light, love and cupcakes,

Belle xoxo

So, everyone around me is either pregnant, getting that way or having babies.

And I'm just insanely jealous. And frustrated.

So we're trying (and hold back on the 'WTF's' okay?) and have been for a little while and nothing. Nisba Nada. Zilch. And I have to watch all these other women with their lovely glowing bellies and cute cuddly newborns and I'm afraid that I'm losing my mind.

Yes, I'm not the maternal type - this is NO surprise to anyone who knows me. I'm not the ass-wiping, nose cleaning girl. But I'm warm, and nurturing and I have so much love to give and I just love this man so much and all I want is my own little slice of heaven. Poopy diapers included.

After all, it can't be much different than cleaning up puppy vomit and diahorrea, right? Right. And I'm a bang-up expert at that, at this point.

I guess what they say is true, even if you didn't want it - as a woman, at a certain point one of two things will happen. Either you will start to feel this burning, empty, yearning feeling somewhere between your belly and that space located under your heart and it beats out of your chest everytime you see a baby...or a puppy, or even a rounded belly. OR..you won't.

I didn't think I would. I never thought that feeling would happen to me, but it is. And BOYYYYYYYY, is it.

Max told me from the moment he met me that he wanted to have a baby with me. Sounds creepy, but that's the kind of relationship we have. And I guess from the moment I was with him, I knew that it was him. It was only ever going to be him.

Sometimes, I could gladly strangle him, but then again he could say the same of me. But when it's good, it's AMAZING.

Light, love and infant sized cupcakes,

Belle xoxo

The French have a saying 'etre bien dans sa peau', which literally means to 'be good/feel well in your skin'.

I've never been one of those girls who's been 100% comfortable with their body. Or even tried to fake it till I make it with confidence. I just assumed, as I had always been told - or I should say hoped - that feeling more at one with myself, would come with age. And THANK. GOD. It's starting to happen.

Perhaps it is due to age, perhaps it's due to the fact that I now accept that every thing about me (good and 'bad') goes together, in this crazily celestial mix which makes Me, 'Me'. I don't know if anyone else is getting this feeling, as they get older, but it's the most amazing feeling.

I think that as you get older, you begin to realize that everything, the good and bad in your life happens almost for a reason and without wanting to sound too 'woo-woo' about it, I strongly believe that the Universe sends people and events into our lives that may seem super random, SUPER stupid or even just harsh for no damn reason, as obstacles to make us grow, strengthen us, help us on our path to ultimate enlightenment.

Sucks that this shit doesn't happen when you're sixteen and full of silly paranoia's and peer-pressure, but I've always loved older people - particularly older women, who just seem so serene. Sure, they still have up days and down days, but at the end they seem to take on life with a quiet grace, an acceptance that 'this' too shall pass and that 'this' happened for a reason.

I'm excited to be at this place in my life, not because I never thought that it wouldn't happen - I just never thought it would happen...now, I guess.

And knowing certain things about myself, allowing myself to feel happy, to feel content, to feel anger and frustration and voice those feelings (something I've never really been that good at) is part and parcel of being a realized adult. It's part and parcel of feeling that I could now, feasibly, have a child and be a fairly stable parent.

We are our own worst critics, no? I know that I'm insanely harsh on myself, for even the smallest things. But I've always felt that was a good thing. As I start to lighten up on myself, and externalize certain feelings, I am also now able to call out other people on their behaviours - not as it relates to themselves, but as they relate to me. which in turn, when done with sincerity and understanding, only serves to strengthen and reinforce relationships that I have with people.

I've been weeding out the people in my life who thus far have only contributed negativity and sideline those who have contributed nothing really, and am trying to be more of a contributor of positivity to those in my life who have been so for me. Don't like something I've said/done/worn? I need a reason, empty criticism is useless and a waste of good oxygen, in my opinion. Same way, if I call you out on something, I will want to give you a reason, and after that you can decide whether to take or leave what I've said.

So, taking a leaf out of Hugh Jackman's book, as I approach the big 2-8, I've decided to write my 18 year old self a letter:

'Hey B,

You're probably wondering what the hell is going on right now, and why you're in a college that makes you feel like a loser, floundering in a sea of super talented artists, illustrators, designers and architects. Well, let me start by saying that this particular institution only chooses 400 students a year. From around the world. And only of extraordinary talent. So take a deep breath, if you're there, it's because you were meant to be. Beacuse in your own way, you too, are an extraordinary artist and creator.

Don't worry about fitting in, because you never have and thank God, you never will. Embrace your quirks - your love of disco music, insanely unique sense of humor, your strange accent and insurmountable love of sushi and comic books and roll with it. Who cares if you can't ride a bike or if you're not interested in having Kafkian discussions on a friday night in the laundry room? You hate Kafka and I hate to break it to you but in the future, you still can't ride a bike. This neither takes nor adds anything from who you are. They broke the mold after they made you, baby girl, and don't forget it.

Go to the gym now and not your junior year of college, discover that it is one of your passions and don't let anyone sidetrack you. The high you get from partying with your friends is great - but the high you get from those endophins is MAJOR. You're kind of a loner and that's fine because as we've always said - we are our own best friend. So pilates, yoga, running and meditation will help you know yourself better. Plus you will start learning to not combat your body and finally see how strong she is, how much you love her and that she will never let you down if you believe in her.

Don't worry if you lose touch with your friends from freshman year and if girls you once thought were your friends do an about-face and become high school bullies again. Mama always siad that the first friends you make are usually the first friends you lose - you've been here before and done this befre and you have the many, many t-shirts to prove it. True and real friends will come along and you will know them from the moment you say 'hello'.

You are a beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful girl - inside and out. That's all.

As for boys, date them - date them ALL. They will all teach you something and make you a richer person. You will discover that you have an extraordinary ability to make people feel good about themselves, and that you will be appreciated, not just by the boys but by the girls, in your life. Have safe sex - you know this already - and don't believe the hype - college sex is TERRIBLE. Something you will only discover once you start dating older men. Now THAT will be some good sex.

And don't worry about heartbreak and break-ups, because trust me, when you least expect it, your prince will come.

Oh, and do me a favour, and this will sound CRAZY right now, but DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES take up smoking. If you do, you'll regret it.

I love you, lil B,

Big B xoxo'.

Try it, ladies, you'll realize how much wisdom you've accumulated in the past few years and will feel so much better about any 'errors' you've made because they've all contributed to making you the wise, strong, confident, wonderful woman you are.

Love and light and yes, cupcakes today.

Belle xoxo

It's not a thirty day challenge, but I'm doing it anyway. Y'all ready for this?

1) My relationship is mostly really good - when we take time out to appreciate the love, joy and happiness that we bring eachother. It's not the easiest thing because we're both pretty hard-and-fast people, but it's amazing. When we see eachother.

2) In ten years, I'd like to be with my current partner, have at least one thriving baby and our dogs and my own company - which will hopefully be doing well. I'd like to live in the countryside with my family and grow my own fruits and veggies and be able to sleep under the stars in the summertime.

3) Bring on the vino (hey, it's 5 o'clock somewhere in the world, right??!!) - save me the mind altering substances which cause addiction, thanks.

4) God is Buddah, is Yahweh, is Allah, is Jehovah, is Krishna, is LOVE. is LIGHT, is GOOD. Does not descriminate, hate, or condemn. Unless he specifically sent you an email love your neighbour as you love yourself. He/She has many names and faces but only one concept at heart - L.O.V.E!!!!Otherwise, STFU and STFD, you are not wanted at the Love Party. No haters, just appreciators.

5) Ooooooh, deep. Once. Then I snapped out of it and got my shit together and look at me know, surviving and shit.

6) I write. I sing. I dance. I laugh. I love. I believe. I have joy. I have faith. I have family. I have friends. I have a brain. I have 4 degrees. I speak 5 languages. I do the Funky Chicken really well. I have an English accent - not because I'm pretentious, I grew up there so I just do. This is not my real hair (LOL). I LOVE ME some 70's disco music. I live in Italy. I love my sister. One of my BFFs is a transgender woman. I hate pizza - seriously, I hate pizza. I love trash TV - The Kardashians, The Real Housewives (only Atlanta and BH). I think blonde men are ugly - sorry, no disrespect, just staing facts. My life's dream is to be impregnated by Joe Manganiello. My BFF's are spread out around the world. I would like to die in Tahiti. I think surfers are just the hottest guys ever. I know a lot about motorcycles. I make it a point to never date the same type of guy twice (if I've already dated a fireman, even though you're hot as balls, I will not be making an exception - sry). I try to be as good a person as I can every day.

7) Virgo and yes and no. I'm a messy son of a bitch, but finnicky like you don't know what! Allergies, food fanatic, health fanatic, but not critical at ALL. Hate arguments, but if you get me in there, boy, Imma tear you down. My rising sign is Scoprio and that fucker fits me to a T - chill, but if you bug me, I'll go off on you.

8) The last time I saw my boyfriend.

9) Happy and peaceful.

10) First love, an Isreali boy named Yoni at school, when I was like 10. My first kiss...no recollection at all.

11) It's all Britney, bitch. And T.I. I'm either super intellectual or trash to the extreme...take that as you will.

12) Read a book, went to work and will soon be going home. Fun times.

13) Iceland, Tahiti, Australia...all tapped out.

14) Dancing with my dad at my fourth or fifth birthday party, my feet on his feet - to a Prince song.

15) Shit outta luck, stopped reading Tumblrs way back when. Oooh, except the porn ones. Lol!

16) It all came from somewhere. Who am I to hate on Avril Lavigne when my grandma used to hate on Elvis and look what happened there?

17) Highs - moving in with the love of my life. Lows - having a crackhead break into my house and attack me with a hammer.

18) I believe in life, freedom, love, justice, Karma and individuality.

19) Tried it once. She just about beat it out of me! lol!! Just kidding. They gave you life and everything they had (if they were able), trust them until you have the tools to trust in yourself blindly.

20) Give a man a fish and he can eat for one day, teach a man to fish and he will survive the rest of his days. Education is the salvation of the world. The more you know, the more you know.

21) Fave show? Bones

22) I'm stronger, surer, less inclined to get run over or walked over by people, more confident and finally - I think I'm beautiful, inside and out.

23) No pics but it's easy. Joe Manganiello, Bradley Cooper (I'm not calling him a blond because they dye his hair!), Adrien Brody, Barandon Boyd, Idris Elba and Vinnie Woolston. One too many, but you can never have enough hot guys, IMO.

24) The 25th Hour - Edward Norton. Nuff said.

25) My mother. More dark spaces than Hogwarts.

26) Someone who seems shrouded in darkness, but has a little inner light that they either can't or don't know how to let shine.

27) Ugh, acne. Girl, ACNE!!!

28) My love and our fur babies. And my sister who I'm having a tough time with at the moment.

29) Work hard. Play hard. Get back to the gym. Finish my sketches. See my love more than once every two weeks (c'mon now!!). Find a way out of my current quagmire.

30) See number 17.

Peace, Love, Light and cupcakes!!!

B xoxo

Hello darlings of the internet. I'm back (and yes, in black).

Horrific past few weeks.

Basically some drug addict broke into my house and wrecked everything. I basically escpaed to a freinds' place in fear of my life and have since then been in the pleasant company of the cops looking at mug shots, getting damage pics taken for the insurance company who - guess what - don't cover my house, just my physical being so the joyful task of pulling out a couple of grand to repair the damage is left to me. Hail the conquering hero. IRONY OVERLOAD. Smh.

Anyway, in the meantime, Max, who was out of town when it all went down, has come back and we're back together (I know, I know - we give Brooke and Ridge a run for their money). Literally had to stop him from finding the largest sharpest knife and going out looking for this creepster - ooooooh, he was pissed. He was more pissed at himself because he wasn't around to protect me.

Long story short, whilst we have decided to not live together for the moment, to all effects and purposes, we're together and we spent some QT together of late and really hashed out our problems and got to grips with what was going on with us.

Also, I decided that I'm quitting my job at the end of the summer. I hate it. I really, really fucking hate it.  I can't handle this ridiculous situation anymore and it's eventually either going to drive me to alcoholism or a murder/suicide if I don't quit. So it behooves me. I look terrible in orange jumpsuits.

Sooooo......I'm going to strike out on my own and see if I can handle what the Rock is cookin'. Am I scared? Yes, terrified. Will I allow myself to pussy out because things get rough? Absolutely not. What if I starve or can't pay my bills? God gave me two hands and they will wash plates if they have to to make sure my dreams come true.

This is the scariest thing I've ever done, but I had always promised myself that this is what I would have done come hellfire or brimstone, with my life, before I turned 30. 30 is coming up in a couple of years.

It's time to pull up my big girl panties and walk like a bawss.

Bloggage will be rare and hopefully because the wrinkles in the panties of my life will iron themselves out and I'll be too busy to navel gaze!!

Love, light and cupcakes,

Belle xoxo

For reasons of self preservation I will say only this - my relationship with Max has unfortunately ended and he is moving out tomorrow.

I'm going to take a break from blogging for a while and get my shit together.

Also, had a job interview this morning and tanked it.

Probably because someone broke into my house last night and tried to attack me. Or I'm just a shitty interviewee.

A vous le choix.

Light, love and prayers (I'm gonna need a lot of those).

Belle xoxo

WHOA.

A friendly hello from the other side of the Atlantic.

So, guess who's slightly psychotic boyfriend just got her a french bulldog puppy?!

Yeah, two guesses and you only need one. ME.

So, I'm nuts about Frenchies, love them by the pound, think they're the cutest dogs God ever had the good grace to create and they're the sweetest, most affectionate dogs - and I love that fact that as far as energy levels go, theyre as lazy as my ass is, so it's a win/win. I've been on Max about getting one and he's always been like 'And just who the fuck is going to take care of it?' My response is always '*cough* - you - *cough*'. which has always gone over like a lead balloon...Merf.

But we've gotten to such a good place in our relationship and we've been so good lately, whilst I've been away (you'd barf into your sleeve if you could read the messages he's been sending me.

And we've cracked the intimacy wall. For whatever reason, he just decided whilst I was away to let his wall come down and let me in 100%, and it's AMAZING. Like, I'm getting to know him on a whole new level abd I love everything I'm finding and just discovering how kind and smart and wonderfully generous he is and how much I really do love him.

Then he calls me last night and says he has a surprise for me, but that he can't tell me what it is. So I said - okay, don't tell me. Of course, thinking that I was baiting him, didnt tell me, but sent me a picture instead. He'd gotten me a Frenchie puppy, black and white just like I've always wanted. I have a little fur baby of my own!!!

And then he says, very tongue-in-cheek, 'Enough babies for a while, we're at three and that should tide you over till we have a real baby. There's five of us now and no space left in the house.'

I'm kind of scared. Or I was yesterday. Apprehensive more than scared. For the first time in my life, I'm responsible for another life. Another living being will count on me, to feed it, keep it clean, warm, safe and loved. That's a lot of pressure. Like, a LOT. And then when I think I'll never be able to do it, I look at him and he's the best parent ever with his dogs. Loving, caring, strict but spoils them...he's already an amazing parent. We coud totally do it, together. I'm more practical than he is, but he's not lazy about the practicalities either - and we both have so much love to give...

So I'm sucking it up and taking on my very first BIG responsibility in this life - school, getting good grades, staying out of trouble and my degrees were nothing compared to this, THIS, is some real shit.

Now we have to find a name for it. He hates all my names. I hate his (you can't call a girl dog Toto).

So...we'll see.

Love, light and cupcakes,

Belle xoxo

Just totally loving these images...and missing my love...

Hope y'all had a happy Easter!

Love and light,

Bee xoxo