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fashion, life, love...and cupcakes.


Private eyes, are watching you...

So I read this list of 10 things that will help you live through your 30's better.

One of them was not putting up with other people's bullshit. 

I've gotten better at it, and I try super hard to not let my spine curve. BUT every now and then it really curves. Like, I have this amazing friend who is helping me out insanely. But hanging out with her feels like a chore. Mostly because we have zero in common personality-wise. She's super negative, super depressing and super desperate and it drives me nuts.

Her whole life consists of finding a guy to marry, cyber stalking her ex, bitching and moaning and going to events that make her seem cool and intellectual (during which she manages to spend an INORDINATE amount of time texting). She could be so much happier if she just chilled out and stopped yearning and trying so desperately.

And I'm not so down with her snobbery. I mean, she's a great gal in SO many aspects, but the way she sneers (literally) and judges (vocally) others rubs my ass the wrong goddamn way.

So I'm currently holed up somewhere else and I'm sleeping much easier and much more restfully.

I think the main thing is that whenever I'm out with her we never stick to the plan and it drags on FOREVER. Like, I might have other shit to do today, but NOPE! we have to wander aimlessly around these faux cultural b.s events like thirsty sheep and all I want to do is have a glass of pinot grigio and eat ramen and watch Grey's Anatomy in my pj's. Not because I'm not interested in the event/show/whatever, but because the people that go to those things are just as thirsty as she is and I can't.

So in the spirit of not taking shit and not being around energy and oxygen theives, I'm hanging less with her and more with people who have the same personality traits that I have and who could give a hot shit about appearances, society's expectations and the general classist looks-based Italian social structure.

We're bad-ass designers, creatives, engineers, chefs, painters, writers by day and whoever the fuck we want to be by night. Our lives are ours.
And I plan to live my life that way.

I don;t ever want to be famous, or well-known or interviewed or even in the public eye. 

I hate it. It goes against everything that I am and I fully plan to live my life for me. I want to be able to get rolicking drunk if I want, have a one night stand if I want, get married and divorced if I want, go on vacation if I want, buy, do say, eat, drink, love, fuck who and what I want and not have to explain myself to everyone.

Ugh.

I hate normalized society, it makes me want to scream. The 'appearance of propriety' is some serious ass bullshit, and kills more people that stupidity. And stupidity is long-term serial killer.

I'm all about manners, and behaving like a decent human being (give up your seat on the bus for pregnant ladies and old people, help people carry their baby buggies up and down the stairs at train stations, help old ladies carry their groceries and cross the street, make a stranger's baby smile) but having to adapt myself to what 'society' or others think is some grade A bullshit and I am having none.

So if we don't mesh - we won't hang out. ever. No hard feelings, no cruel words, just...you won't ever see me. Like, ever.

Easier said than done, but I'm throwing my back into it.

P.L.C,

Belle xoxo

General (tso's) malaise...

I'm in Italy, I'm launching my collection and I'm working my ass off.

At the same time, I'm stuck between two guys, neither of whom has any intention of getting serious about anything. "Let's see where things go?"...Erm, motherfucker I live on a different continent. Things are going nowhere. Fast.

The one guy is a workaholic who barely has time for a life he's so involved in his own goings on and his extracurricllar activities and taking his time because his ex girlfriend did the dirty on him...it's exhausting. So fuck 'im. He and I are going to be just friends. and that's actually better because we are great friends already.

The other guy is King (yes, of the near missed nuptials) and understandably he is gun shy and I'm not entirely sure this is a great idea, but fuck it. We'll roll with it for now.

However.

I want to have a child sometime before the sun sets on my seriously compromised island of fertility and the time it takes to meet someone, get to know them, 'fall in love' and all of that bullshit preamble means I should be somewhere around the age of 35 by the time we ever get a spermatozoid near my follicular region.

So what I've decided for now is this - FUCK IT.

I'm going to sleep with whoever I want (because I can and I don't want to wake up at the grand old age of menopause and regret not having banged Raoul from the beach in Rio) and not search for committment because at this stage in my life I should really focus on getting my career together, launching my brand and making some money.

In the mean time, seeing as I have a pretty high sex drive, I'm going to have sex. Hopefully with a few people. And hopefully soon.

Because fuck it. Life is too short.

P.L.C,

Belle xoxo

Happy valentine's day, baby...

Almost 30 with a bullet... and...

I want to launch my business.

I want to get married.

I want to have a child.

I want to learn to fly a plane.

I want to learn a martial art.

I want to be more calm and serene.

I want to be less socially awkward.

This year is 2014. I will have all of these things and more.

Gone girl...

I'm feeling...ragey and agitated tonight.

And ignored.

Which really pisses me off.

Okay, he has to work and I get it. And I told him that we didn't have to talk every day, it's not a must and it's not a big deal and I get it. But no, he says he can spare me '15 minutes' of his day and that's a pleasure to speak to me. But it's more like 2 minutes before he crashes and yes, I'm happy to see him, but I'm a quality not quantity girl. And I'd rather we spoke every day for five meaningful minutes than five minutes of me telling him to go to sleep because his eyes are drooping and he's practically snoring.

So when I tell him that it's okay if we don't talk, he thinks I'm mad, which I'm not because I already know the score and it's cool.

What I don't like is feeling like I'm impinging on what precious little time he does have and feeling like he doesn't have time for me, which is how I feel and that's because it's true. And quite frankly, I don't think it's going to get better any time soon.

So I'm thinking that maybe it's not a good time for us and that we should cool down and if he ever has time in the future we can talk about maybe getting back to this point of our 'relationship', but for right now I think I want more than he can give me and I don't want to feel like I'm a stray dog begging for scraps at the table when there's nothing on the plate, so to speak.

So I'm going to email him tomorrow, explain my point of view and hopefully he'll get it.

And not be sore, or think that I don't care for him, because I do (more than I care to admit, actually). I really do.

I get now when people they say that timing is everything because it really is. And our timing was perfect when we met, because we both needed it, but it's not that great anymore.

I guess I really am growing up, because I can write that without feeling like I'm a failure because another relationship has skid out of my control. Nope. I need to focus more on things I have to do and work on - including getting my company off the ground and getting my health (both mental and physical) together. Not to mention my proverbial shit.

Sure - he'll be slightly miffed because I know that the man has a crazy baby making rage on him and wants to have a child sometime before he's 40 and is actively looking for someone to love and build a family with and so am I - and he'll feel like he's failed again (he's had a traumatic relationship experience). And I feel bad for him, but I'm an all or nothing girl. 

Either we're in this, or we're not, and I don't feel like he is right now. Which again, is fair enough given all that he has on his plate. And I have to look after number one in this situation.

So. Yeah.

That's where I'm at right now.

Love (no peace, and no cupcakes tonight. I'm too bone-arse tired).

Belle xoxo

He's on the other side of the world, and most days it doesn't really bother me because we're constantly in contact.

Weekends like this, though, it drives me NUTS.

He's been realy sick and working allllllllll the time, so we speak less than usual and we text less than usual, and I know it's not fair, but I do miss him a lot and I wish he had more time for me. Then again, I'm insanely busy myself and I have a million and one things to do each day. Work and the time difference are such a pain in the arse, you have no idea.

I guess I never gave it much thought. I mean, who says 'let me consider the rammifications of along distance relationship', and by long distance I'm talking oceans, not two states over?! Nobody, that's who.

I hadn't thought about the times I'd be insanely miserable because all I'd want was to touch him, or kiss him, or punch his shoulder because of something retarded he'd said. Sleeping alone, event after only seven nights sleeping together total since we've met, sucks great big donkey balls. Waking up alone (especially sans wake up sex) sucks even bigger balls. I don't even remember what he smells like, I'm going to have to go down to Hermes and snag myself a tester.

And I HATE that he's not an emotional talker, and he doesn't express feelings verbally. And ALLLLLLLLLL I want is for him to say how awful he feels too because he tells me he misses me but not anything deeper.

Which brings me to my next point - he's not big on emotions but when he DOES talk it blows my fucking socks off :

- telling me that after two years he finally feels awake and alive and then thanks me for waking him up and making him feel alive and energized and I almost die because it's the closest thing to a declaration of love I'll be getting from this man until the deserts freeze over.

- telling me that he doesn't know what he would do without me.

- telling me that he he thinks about me 'always'.

- planning to move so he can be closer to me. I asked him why and he got mad and said 'you said that you were falling in love with me', I asked 'so?', 'So' he replied 'that's why I'm moving.'...His way (I'm assuming?) of saying he felt the same way...? I don't know because he wouldn't talk about it ever again. And he never will.

And he does this thing sometimes I feel like he doesn't now that he's doing it - he watches me with this goofy little smile on his face and it melts me. He does it when he's right in front of me, too. And maybe it's messed up, but all I want is to be able to live this out like normal people, without having to wait until one or the other can clear their schedule enough to hop a plane across the many, many miles that separate us.

We can't - and I used to think it was easier like that. I used to think, 'great, no obligation to have sex every night and I can wear my PJ's whever the fuck I want and not really have to worry about my feet because he'll only get to see them once every blue moon'. It's not easier.

It's a steaming hot bowl of penises.

and I hate it.

That's all.

Peace, Love and sexually frustrated lonely and isolated cupcakes.

B xoxo

There are 21 things I want from a lover...

THINGS I WANT TO DO BEFORE I'M 30:

1) Launch my own business
2) Be in a serious, committed relationship for the long term
3) Get my drivers' license - CHECK!
4) Have my own car - CHECK!
5) Be debt free - halfway there
6) Go to Mexico
7) Go to Bali
8) Hopefully get engaged
9) Learn a new language
10) Get into a rhythm of working out every day

2014 - let's make this happen.

P.L.C,

Belle xoxo

Like thunder, lightning, the way you love me is frightening...

He is INFURIATING. My. God.

Head like two wooden blocks hocked together and I could just slap the smug grin off his face, that's how much I'm irritated.

We had our first fight this morning. Via Whatsapp, if it is indeed possible to have a text fight. But we did. And I won. I think. He may have gotten the last word in, but I got to have the sulk for the day. Which resulted in him being super sweet when he called tonight. Because we both knew I won.

It was the first, and it won't be the last, but it was manageable. I stood my ground and fought. And I won.

I am very proud of myself because I fought back. for a moment a devastataing old survival mechanism had kicked in and I wanted to give up and give in and say 'it doesn't really matter'. And a small part of me began to resent myself and him, and I said 'fuck that, I'm going to say my piece and if he can't handle it then he's not man enough for me, and I don't want him anyway'.

And he handled it very well. I have to say, I'm almost proud of him.

But more, I'm more proud of myself.

P.L.C,

Belle xoxo

When somebody loves you...


He has the habit of saying the most unexpected things to me. In mid conversation, he’ll break into a love song, or say something insanely romantic…and I can’t breathe. In a good way. I literally have no witty comeback and anyone who knows me knows that only the power of the avenging angel Himself would stop my filterless tongue.

I won’t out-cliché myself and say that we are the same person. I won’t say that I’m crazy about him, or that he might be the love of my life, or that this is the one that’s going to last forever. I won’t because despite my foolish heart – who for whatever reason refuses to give up on love and intends to foolhardily follow itself into the dark, to the chagrin of my smarting ego and enraged brain – I won’t say that.

We have similar interests, and temperament. We like the same things. We talk. I mean we really talk. And he listens. And I listen. And we encourage each other, and it’s a great and positive thing.

'Thanks...what brought that on?'

'Nothing. I just remembered that I haven't said that to you in a couple of days and didn't want you to forget.'

'What are you talking about, you're looking at me right now.'

'Yes, but I have this deep aching thing in my chest...and I think it's because you're not here.'

'I know. It's the oddest sensation.'

His ex-girlfriend cheated on him. It hasn't made him so much bitter as aware. He knows that women need attention, and lots of it. He knows not to let too much time pass before the next time we see each other. He calls when he says he will, he does what he says he’s going to do.

He treats me with respect. He takes me and my person and personality seriously. And he helps me make fun of myself. He helps me laugh at myself at see the funny side of my character…or my caricature.

He’s dependable, reliable, but not boring.

And he gets my jokes. He thinks I’m funny ‘ha-ha’, not funny ‘cuckoo’. We laugh together. At each other and ourselves. We tell each other stories from our childhoods. We tell each other stupid, random nonsense facts.

And he can sniff out when things are not good. There’s no BS-ing. He can literally read my face, my eyes, my expression.

And he knows. He knows about Max, and damage and therapy. I told him and he gets it, because he’s had his own damage in the past. I guess we’re kind of like two storm survivors walking up the beach to the safety of the forest together.

I guess that’s the perfect way to describe it. And he’s not cagey, or hiding anything – he’s game. He’s open. He’ll talk about everything, anything, and nothing at all. Sometimes we just stare at each other, kind of overwhelmed and dumfounded.

I wasn’t expecting to meet someone for a long time. I wasn’t. I had quite plainly decided that lover-ville was for me, sex-wise and no more emotional connections for a while. I was raw. I was RAW, and pained, and in such a tortured and horrible place. And I didn’t think I would ever get out of it. It seemed almost impossible that I would wake up one day and feel normal.

And then you wake up one day ad it’s like nothing bad ever happened to you – well, almost. Do you remember my one girlfriend I told you about? My superhero? Well, she said that one day I would feel better, and I would feel normal again, and look at me…living and shit. He, too.

And we haven’t gone public yet…we want to really get to know each other before we commit to this thing.

Peace, Love and cupcakes,

B xoxo

Where did you go…?

I have officially become a bad blogger.

I apologize. Deeply and sincerely.

So where have I been? I have been quitting my job, I have been starting my own company and I have been working like a crazy person to get my studio together and I have been...something, with a wonderful man.

Shall we start from the begining?

My new job, which I was loving because it was more of a challenge and new and dynamic - has actually revealed itself to eb a sort of glorified internship for which I was not paid and for which I was not considered for medical insurance. I love that company like no ones business and I was super proud to have been - or to still be, I haven't formally quit - part of the company, but I am through being degraded and taken advantage of by my employers.

To that end, I decided that it was about time I stopped being such a collossal PUSSY and get off my ass and start my own company. 

So I did.

And it's the most adventurous adventure ever! I love it to death and it's amazing and inspiring and WOW and I wish it could always, always be like this forever and ever amen. and it's motivating and stimulating and wonderful and I am excited!!!!

I've been remodelling, and I have been organizing my pffice space and I have been breathless with anticipation of launching this bad boy...but it's here. the moment where I get to live my dream is HERE.

And King and I have made peace. And I have met someone. Really someone, not just loverville or whatever. Someone, with a capital S.

And today is a happy day.

Peace, Love and cupcakes,

Belle xoxo

Tonight we're gonna party like it's 1999...

So.

First adventure in loverland, actually quite pleasant. The real thrill was whizzing through NYC on his particularly bad-ass bike, and crapping myself and holding on for dear life, but loving it every step of the way! there might be a round 2 on the way. Am I excited? Only if I get to go on the bike again...

And yes, this is really more about the bike than him.

Shallow? Moi? Never.

Belle xoxo