The Enchanted Life

My nightmare situation, when I allow myself to think of the worst case situation, is that I will end up like this poor girl. I'm predisposed for cancer. All kinds, everywhere. From my teeth to the tips of my toes, any small change in my body, in my hormonal system, could mean the end for me. It would be awesome to think that I was being dramatic about the situation. The one time in my life where I wish I was just being dramatic (I have a tendency)...

So I started this movement on Facebook, it's called #Livepositive!!. And it is exactly what it says. Live every day as if it were your last and cherish every moment.

My sister asked the other day why I wanted to move to Australia and I replied, 'I'd rather die under the sun and happy and broke than the slave of someone I hate'.

I make no bones of the fact that I've always known I was going to die young. Young...relatively. Maybe when I'm sixty, when I'm 70...maybe tomorrow. But I've always known. Call it intuition, call it pessimism, call it what you like, but I've always known. I sometimes think that that's why I've always done everything in my life as fast as humanly possible and as soon as I could. Who else does all the cray shit I've done in my life and doesn't repent a single moment of it, unless they know that 'tempus fugit' and that they have friggin little as hell of that 'tempus'?! Perhaps I'm wrong, I hope I'm wrong.

My love of life's golden moments, of the Kodak moments in life is borne of this - one day I won't be around to have them. Sooner or later, I won't. And I want to have a baby, and a husband/partner/goat herder...I would like to have my own little slice of heaven.

Three weeks ago, I was told that I had not ONE but SIX lumps in my breast and that at any moment, at any time, one of them would try to kill me. And that given my family history they would most likely succeed. My only weapon is trying to catch them as early as I can and hoping for the best - and here I am, smoking half a pack a day. If I was any more stupid you could pin a tail on my ass.

So here I am, giving up the booze, and trying to give up the nicotine dragon and making a go at a clean, fresh slice of heaven...wish me luck...

PLC,

Belle xoxo